Fellman's Movie Reviews

The Velocipastor is a 2017 horror/comedy and B-movie, written, directed, and edited by Brendan Steere. It is an independent film with a budget of only $36,000. And it shows. Several of Steere’s family members appear in the film, and the bands playing the music for the film are friends of Steere’s, hired to play the movie to get their music heard. The movie involves a pastor named Doug Jones, who becomes infected by a sharp tooth, given to him by a dying woman in a forest, thus giving him strange powers. He begins to turn into a velociraptor without remembering the events. 

This is not the kind of movie that you watch looking for a good movie. This is the kind of movie that you watch, expecting to see a bad movie, and watching it for the sake of watching it. And it is exactly that. It’s terrible. It’s horrible. The “B” in “B-movie” literally stands for “bad” in this case. In the first 30 seconds of the movie, the pastor, and lead character of the movie, walks out the front door of the church to see his parents across the street, standing next to a car. He then waves to them, and they wave back, AND THEN THEIR CAR EXPLODES!!! No reason. No explanation. No buildup. They were just standing there waving. And then, boom! Exploding parents. I mean, yeah, it’s funny. But it’s not exactly good filmmaking. 

It’s the blatantness of how bad the movie actually is. Like, you can tell in some scenes that they’re doing it on purpose. It’s obvious that they’re doing some parts on purpose and some parts they’re actually trying to do well. Like, in the scene with the ninjas, it looks like Steven Segall when he was just tossing those guys around with one hand. It’s blatantly obvious how fake it is. They’re not even trying. That’s funny on purpose. But with the other pastor in the war sequence, you can’t really tell if they’re going for fake funny, or if they’re trying to be real about it there. It’s funny either way. But that’s not the point.  

And, the velociraptor suit is just fantastic. It looks like a college mascot of some sort. Like, if West Davenport Community College named their football team the Raptors. This would be the suit the person wore to the games to try to hype the crowd up. It’s bulky and squishy. He obviously can’t see. It looks like something from that old show “MXC”. Which used footage from an even older Japanese show called “Takeshi’s Castle”. 

So, yeah. Go and see The Velocipastor. It’s a B-movie. It’s a good time. It’s only an hour and ten minutes long. It’s really funny. And how many times can you say you’ve seen a bunch of ninjas fighting a dinosaur? Not many, I’ll bet. And as always, keep on watching, with a smile on your face…