The Velocipastor

Red = Spoilers 

The Velocipastor is a 2018 horror/comedy film written and directed by Brendan Steere. It’s bad enough that it’s funny, but it’s not so bad that it’s not worth watching. It’s done poorly. But poorly is done well. It’ll be a cult classic years from now. People will be going “You gotta see this flick ‘The Velocipastor’ it’s hilarious…” Because how long does it take for something to become a cult classic? 15, 20 years? It’s gonna be a while… 

What’s it about? A Catholic priest, Doug Jones, sees his parents die in an explosion in front of his church and begins to lose his faith. His priest tells him to go on a spiritual journey to find God again. Doug finds himself in China where he sees a girl get shot with an arrow. She hands him an artifact as she dies that cuts Doug’s hand. He begins to have nightmares and wakes up in cold sweats. Then, one night, while in the park, he saves a prostitute named Carol as she was being attacked, by turning into a velociraptor and eating the attacker. He wakes up in the morning in Carol’s room, thinking they had sex, until she reveals the story about him turning into a dinosaur. He gets scared and says that he’s late for confession. He heads back to the church where he goes into the confessional booth. In the other booth is Frankie Mermaid, Carol’s pimp. He begins to confess all sorts of horrible things, including that he’s the one who killed Doug’s parents. Doug becomes enraged, turning him into a velociraptor and he kills Frankie, right there in the booth. Father Stewart takes Doug to an old friend to try to get him exorcised and Doug ends up taking one of Father Stewart’s eyes. Later, Father Stewart wakes up in a camp full of Christian, drug dealing ninjas who plan to deal cocaine and then cut off the supply, creating a network of addicts who need help from the church. Father Stewart refuses to be a part of the plan and is killed. Doug and Carol are attacked by ninjas in her apartment and have to go to the ninja camp to stop them from completing their plan. Doug is confronted by Sam, the White Ninja, who it turns out is his brother. Doug kills Sam in Battle and transforms into the Velocipastor to fight the other ninjas. Carol is severely injured in this final battle, but she lives through her injuries. “She’s fine”… 

What’s good? It’s got its good moments. There’s some funny lines in there. There are some parts where I don’t know if they were supposed to be bad or if they were ironic or not. It’s always hard to tell with B movies.  

What’s bad? They’re not the best actors. A lot of them aren’t even good actors. The guy who plays Father Stewart is just the brother of the guy who directed the movie. So, it’s not like you’re expecting too much. 

The actors? You know what you’re getting. It’s a B movie. You’re getting B actors. These are people who answered ads in a newspaper or online to audition for a role.  

The effects? The effects are the equivalent of a grade school Christmas pageant. The Velociraptor hands that he wears when he’s half transformed look like spray-painted hockey gloves. And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were. 

His parents just exploded. Why do his parents just explode in the beginning of the movie? They’re just standing there. Everything’s copacetic. There’s no reason for them to explode. There’s no context. And then, BOOM. They just explode. It’s disconcerting, is what it is… 

He keeps looking directly into the camera. During the intro credits, where Doug is driving in his car, he keeps looking directly into the camera and making this weird face. He does it repeatedly. It’s like a running joke, but it’s not really a joke, because it’s what’s happening. That’s one of those things where I can’t tell if it was meant to be ironically bad, or if it was meant to be good, and it just turned out bad. 

China is east. In the scene where he’s on his spiritual journey, he goes “China is East!” East of what? What is that supposed to mean? 

Are you hurt? A girl gets shot in the chest with an arrow and she lands in front of him, and he asks her “Are you hurt?” When she clearly has an arrow sticking out the front of her chest. And then he starts questioning her about whatever trinket that she’s holding in her hand. 

Why is Father Stewart awkwardly hugging him like that? What is that awkward kind of hugging motion that Father Stewart makes towards Doug before he leaves the room? It’s like a father trying to hug their teenage son in front of their friends. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. 

Frankie Mermaid. Frankie Mermaid’s not screwing around. I called it the first time I watched this movie. As soon as he said the name “Frankie Mermaid”, I looked at my fiance and said “I bet it’s because he’s swimming in bitches…” And BOOM, not 10 minutes later, it’s literally the line he uses. I should’ve made an actual bet with her.  

Doug is clearly unaware of turning into a dinosaur. Doug thinks the reason he’s woken up in the hooker’s room is because he had sex with a prostitute last night. But that’s not what happened at all. It takes Carol explaining to him that he now turns into a dinosaur and eats people before he fully understands the depth of the situation. 

Orange dress. Where did the orange dress come from? Was that all she had for him to wear? She couldn’t find anything else? A pair of sweatpants or something? Some jogging shorts? Did it have to be the orange dress? 

What’s she counting? What was she counting on the way back up there? Did she count how many steps it took to get back to her apartment from where he killed and ate that guy? That seems awfully time intensive.  

Why is he stumbling back and forth? Why is he just walking back and forth, stumbling into trees? He keeps walking into branches like he doesn’t see them there. Swatting them out of the way like he doesn’t know where he’s going. Yeah, they’re trees. Stop walking into them.  

How did Adeline get in Vietnam? What was Adeline doing in Vietnam? She just showed up for no reason and then stepped on a trip mine? Was that a hallucination? Or was that some kind of dream sequence? I don’t really get what that sequence was supposed to be about.  

Where’d the ninjas come from? The ninjas really come from left field. All of the sudden, there’s ninjas everywhere. There weren’t ninjas before. There’s ninjas now. How did that happen? Don’t worry about it.  

How do Doug and Carol know ninjitsu now? When the ninjas show up to attack Doug and Carol in her room, Doug and Carol both know ninjitsu for some reason. Why do they know ninjitsu now? When did they become ninjas? Have they always been ninjas? Is everybody a ninja? Am I a ninja? 

Why does the map start burning? Why does the map he’s holding start burning his hand and then set on fire? Why do they laugh about it? Where’s the context for any of this? 

Literally, what’s going on? This whole battle scene at the end might be one of the most parodied things I’ve seen since Austin Powers. I don’t know if it was on purpose or what. But seriously, what was happening? I don’t even know what was going on at some points. 

Force powers. When did he get Force powers? All of the sudden he has telekinesis? That’s new. Nobody even hinted that was a thing earlier.  

Why didn’t she move? That big giant ninja comes walking towards Carol real slowly, and he slowly draws his sword, and he’s still slowly walking towards her, and he eventually swings the sword at her, and slashes her across the chest. And it’s like, “You had at least a minute to get out of the way. Why didn’t you just move?” 

Why are the ninjas crying? During Carol’s death scene, the camera looks over at the ninjas and they’re all crying at Carol’s death. I don’t know if that’s a joke or not. I can only assume it is, because it’s pretty funny. 

What was the “she’s fine” joke? I don’t get the “SHE’S FINE” joke. When she pulls him in close and says “I’m fine”. And then they flash it across the screen. I don’t know if that’s some sort of inside joke or something? Maybe I’m just missing it. 

So, yeah. Go and see The Velocipastor. It’s a bad movie, but in a good way. And it’s a good watch if you like ninjas, hookers, and dinosaurs. And who doesn’t? And as always, keep on watching, with a smile on your face…