Fellman's Movie Reviews

Red = Spoilers 

Couples Retreat is a 2009 romantic comedy with eight leading roles as the couples that go to an island to work on their marriages. Aside from a slight chuckle out of the pure absurdity of a scene or two, there is literally nothing funny about this movie. It really drags on for close to two hours. And by the end, you’re really just waiting for it to be over while it keeps making poor jokes and tired, predictable dialogue.  

What’s it about? Dave and Ronnie are an average couple with a pair of kids living in Chicago. Dave sells video games for a living, specifically Guitar Hero, while Ronnie is a stay-at-home mom who is currently redecorating the house. Joey and Lucy met in high school and married young, having their daughter at an early age. And they are currently having problems with their marriage, thinking about getting divorced after their daughter, Lacey, leaves for college. Jason and Cynthia are an overly efficient couple who are having trouble conceiving and are looking to call it quits if they can’t have a child soon. Shane is recently separated, but not divorced legally, and has a 20-year-old girlfriend that calls him “daddy”. At Dave’s son’s birthday party, Jason and Cynthia give a PowerPoint presentation to the other couples about their conception problems and tell them how they’re considering divorce. They then tell everyone about a couple’s therapy resort called Eden and a deal called “The Pelican Package” that requires three other couples to go along with you. Everyone refuses saying they don’t need couples therapy while Jason and Cynthia assure everyone that it’s completely optional. Dave and Ronnie say they can’t go because of the kids and Dave’s job. Later, in the middle of the night, Jason tries to break into Dave’s house, setting off his home alarm, trying to sell Dave on the idea. The alarm wakes the kids, who have already called their grandfather to come and babysit them so their parents can go on the trip to the island. When they get to the island, they’re told that it’s divided into two halves, Eden East and Eden West. Eden West is for couples and uses the tagline “stay together” while Eden East is a party resort that uses the tagline “come together”. When everyone gets to Eden West, they are shown to their villas. During dinner, the resort host, Sctanley, tells everyone that couples therapy at 6am is mandatory, which everyone disagrees with. Sctanley tells them that if they refuse to show up, they will be refunded their fees and will fail the course. Everyone decides to go do a couple of hours of therapy in order to enjoy the rest of the resort. The next morning, each couple meets with their own couple’s therapist, and then meets the resort owner Marcel and discovers his unusual methods. Which include getting naked with each other, swimming with sharks, and highly sexual yoga. On the fourth night, Trudy, Shane’s 20-year-old girlfriend, packs up her things and escapes to Eden East to go party with the singles. The other seven start out as a group to go find her, when Jason and Cynthia have an argument on a canoe and the men and women split up. The women run into the yoga instructor from before, swimming naked in a pool by himself. He takes them over to Eden East for drinks and dancing. The men, meanwhile wander through the jungle, arguing with each other until they find the employee’s lounge where Scantley is playing Guitar Hero in front of some of the other employees. He threatens to kick everyone off the island until Dave challenges him to Guitar Hero to forget he ever saw them. After he loses to Dave, Scantley tells the men how to get to Eden East. Dave finds Ronnie and makes up with her. Joey sees Lucy dancing with the yoga instructor and punches him, causing Joey and Lucy to get back together. Jason and Cynthia reconnect over drinks and spend a night of passion in their room. And Shane gets back together with his ex-wife Jennifer. The next day, Marcel rewards the couples with trophies of their “spirit animals” and tells them that they’ve completed the course. 

What’s good? Nothing. This is a genuinely bad movie. And not even in the “so bad it’s good” kind of way. It’s just plain bad. It’s “so bad it’s worse”.  

What’s bad? Everything from the writing to the editing, to the special effects in the Guitar Hero scene. I’d really be ashamed to be affiliated with this movie. 

The acting? Jason Bateman is usually a good actor. He plays a good straight man. Jon Favreau has a lot of good credits under his belt too. Vince Vaughn plays basically the same character in almost every movie he’s ever been in. And Faizon Love didn’t do bad or good one way or the other.  

The effects? What kind of effects? The obviously fake rain in the rowboat scene? Or what about the eight-tile screen effect during the Guitar Hero scene? Or the giant tub of red dye they dumped into the ocean for the scene with the sharks? 

Vince Vaughn plays the same character. Like I said before, Vince Vaughn plays the same character in every movie, every time. I’ve never seen Vince Vaughn play anybody other than Vince Vaughn. He’s got the range of a high school drama class student.  

Why’s he buying the motorcycle? Why is he trying to buy a motorcycle if he needs Dave to co-sign for it? He clearly can’t afford it. Dave shouldn’t co-sign for it anyway. Shane obviously can’t afford to pay for it.  

The little kid peed in an uninstalled toilet. I mean, I get it, he’s a little kid. But shouldn’t you be keeping a better watch on him so he can’t do something like that? 

Why are they all talking about ball cancer? What’s all this talk about ball cancer anyway? Was this some sort of conference that they had a long time ago? Why do they keep mentioning it to each other? Did somebody have ball cancer? 

Does he keep a gun with two kids? Does he keep a gun in his bedside drawer with two small children in the house? Is that a good idea? 

Why’s he breaking into the house? Why is Jason breaking into the house in the middle of the night just to ask Dave to go on a trip with him? Doesn’t that seem awfully dangerous? He could’ve shot him in the face without knowing who it was.  

Did the grandfather say yes to the kids? Did the grandfather say yes to the kids and then drive three hours to the house without talking to the parents at all? That seems awfully irresponsible of the grandfather. 

Jason Bateman’s a real dick about it. It seems like Jason Bateman kind of takes advantage of the whole situation and almost forces Dave into going with him on the trip. 

How is Stanley spelled with a “C”? What is this Stanley with a “C” thing? That’s the least funny joke I’ve ever heard. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.  

Jon Favreau is clearly trying to cheat on his wife. It’s like everyone is actively trying not to notice Jon Favreau trying to cheat on his wife.  

Why are they all wearing the Chinese clothing? Nothing is ever said about the Chinese outfits that they’re all wearing. Nobody ever questions or even mentions the multi-colored Chinese uniforms that they’re all dressed in for their therapy sessions. 

Why does the resort have the ads for both islands in the room? Why are there ads for both Eden West and Eden East in the rooms of the villas? That seems unnecessary since they’re already there. 

He just told the massuese to leave while he jerks off. He literally tells her to go away while I jerk off. And she does. As you would expect her to… 

What’s with the 8 tile special effects screen? What’s the cheesy, 80s style music video special effects about during the Guitar Hero scene? I haven’t seen effects like that since a Van Halen video.  

Why would his ex-wife go to the island? What made his ex-wife go to the island to come looking for Shane? She heard about it from somebody in her hair salon? So, she went off to some island? That seems a bit presumptuous. 

What’s he mad about? Why’s Joey all mad about his wife dancing with the yoga instructor? He was literally about to cheat on her with those girls over in that booth before he saw her on the dance floor. How is he mad? 

So, no. Don’t go see Couples Retreat. This is one of the biggest wastes of time ever. You’re doing yourself a favor by skipping this movie. And as always, keep on watching, with a smile on your face…