Fellman's Movie Reviews

Red = Spoilers 

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts is the seventh movie in the Transformers film franchise and also a prequel to the first Transformers movie that came out in 2007 that was directed by Michael Bay. This movie isn’t as bad as all of the other Michael Bay Transformers movies. It’s not great. But it’s watchable. This one at least has some semblance of a story to it. Granted, it’s about as basic as stories come. But at least it’s a story. Which is better than the other Transformers movies, that are some of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time… 

What’s it about? So, there’s this giant, planet-eating entity called Unicron. And it’s attacking the home planet of the Maximals. An advanced race of Transformers. Unicron sends his minions, the Terrorcons, led by the Terrorcon Scourge, down to the planet in order to find The Transwarp key. An item that will let Unicron travel through time and space and devour planets. The Maximal leader distracts the Terrorcons while the rest of the Maximals use the Transwarp key to open a portal and escape their homeworld. Return to Earth, 1994, Noah Diaz is an ex-military electronics expert looking for a job when he tries to steal a car and it turns out to be a Transformer named Mirage. Meanwhile, a museum intern named Elena is studying an ancient statue that she accidentally breaks open, only to find that it contains some sort of glowing key. The key releases an energy pulse and summons all of the Autobots. Unfortunately, it also summoned the Terrorcons as well, and they attack the Autobots outside of the museum where they kill one of the Autobots, Bumblebee, and take the Transwarp key. But not before the Maximal Airazor shows up to scare the Terrorcons off. Airazor tells them that was only one half of the Transwarp key, and the other half is hidden. Elena figures out the other half is in Peru, and everybody climbs into the Transformer Stratosphere to fly them all there. While in Peru, the Terrorcons attack again and Airazor is infected by Scourge. Later, the Autobots meet Optimus Primal and the other Maximals who gave the other half of the Transwarp key to a human tribe. Scourge’s infection overwhelms Airazor and Optimus Primal is forced to kill her. Noah then has the choice to destroy the other half of Transwarp key or not, but Optimus Prime convinces him not to and Scourge steals it and combines it with the other half. Optimus and Noah agree to work together to save their homeworlds and they form a plan to get the key and destroy Unicron. The Transformers will have to fight while Noah and Elena sneak in and get the key. On their way to the key, Noah is captured by Scourge, and saved by Mirage, who subsequently sacrifices himself and turns himself into an exo-suit for Noah to wear. Bumblebee is resurrected by an Energon surge in the valley and turns the tide of battle, helping Optimus Prime beat Scourge and trap Unicron on Earth. After the battle, the Autobots are unable to return to Cybertron and proclaim Earth as their new home planet and vow to protect it. Noah is then invited to join the secret organization G.I. Joe.  

What’s good? Well, it’s a special effects kind of movie. So, the special effects are pretty amazing. If there’s one thing the Transformers movies are for, it’s action sequences… 

What’s bad? Transformers movies are not for good writing or witty dialogue or anything like that. They’re action movies. They’re fast paced, bang-bang, action movies. Special effects, things blowing up, cameras spinning around, that’s what you want, that’s what you’re getting… 

The acting? They’re actors. I mean, there’s not a whole lot to say, really. They did their job. They didn’t do particularly good. They didn’t do particularly bad. It was as average of a movie as you could get, when you really think about it. 

The effects? It’s a special effects movie. That’s what it’s all about. There’s a budget of $200 million and it didn’t go into the cast, you know? That’s what they were spending the money on. 

It’s generic as hell. Whoever wrote this movie, could’ve wrote it over a weekend. It’s about as basic as it can get. Poor kid is sad. Poor kid tries to do something wrong. Gets caught up in some huge plot. Poor kid becomes the hero. It’s hackneyed. It’s trite. It’s like it’s actually from the 80s… 

I don’t know what she’s worried about. I don’t know what Elena’s so worried about. You would think she would be amazed that she found some glowing key inside of a bird statue. You would think the glowing key would be more of an impressive discovery. I would think so. That bird didn’t glow… 

The car’s locking itself. When the car starts locking itself and doing stuff by itself, something’s probably wrong. I most certainly wouldn’t get into it, that’s for sure. I definitely wouldn’t keep trying to unlock it and steal it. I would just let that one go.  

The guy cancels Noah’s appointment. That guy just cancelled Noah’s appointment and didn’t even call to tell him about it? He didn’t even give him a heads up that they weren’t going to give him the job? They just cancelled his appointment and let him come all the way down there anyway? That’s a real dick move… 

The cop pulls his gun. Technically, the cop didn’t know Noah was stealing that car. He could’ve just been a guy having car trouble. The first thing that cop did was pull his gun and told him to freeze. That’s a horrible first response reaction.  

Why can’t they just go blasting? Optimus says they can’t just go in blasting, but why not? They’re giant robots. Who’s going to stop them? Just go and take the key and head back to Cybertron. By the time anybody has any time to plan any sort of retaliation, they’ll already be gone.  

Bumblebee talks in movie quotes. I like how Bumblebee only talks in movie quotes or other media and the things that he says are situational from the things that he’s quoting. Like when he gets resurrected from the Energon burst, he jumps out of Stratosphere playing the beginning of “Mama Said Knock You Out” where the first line is “Don’t call it a comeback!” I had to laugh at that… 

Optimus doesn’t trust humans. Optimus is very distrustful of humans. As he should be. Humans are scum. Humans will do what is best for them when it is best for them and only them. 

Elena turned on Noah real fast. Once Elena realized that they were after the key she was holding, she put it in Noah’s hands and ran away as quickly as she could. Because humans are just like that. Optimus is absolutely right… 

Why are they asking? Why are they even asking if Elena and Noah want to go to Peru? If they didn’t want them to go, just leave them there. They didn’t have to take them with them. 

Why are they going to find this key? Why are they going to find the second half of this key, anyway? It’s apparently been hidden for 1000 years, and they just got their asses handed to them by the Terrorcons. If they go and find it, they’re just going to beat again, and then the Terrorcons are going to have both halves of the key. It seems like a bad idea if you ask me… 

Who’s the giant robot? Optimus says it’s out of the question and then Noah’s like “I’m going”. Who’s the giant robot here? I would think the giant robot would take charge and be like “Uh… No…” 

How did the Autobots get to Earth? How did the Autobots get to Earth, anyway? Why are they there? What’s their story? 

Is the giant 18-wheeler not suspicious? Does nobody think “hey, what’s that giant 18-wheeler doing on the streets of Peru? That’s a bit conspicuous…” Because there’s not too many 18 wheelers driving around in Peru.  

It’s literally their fault. Scourge gets the second half of the key and puts it together and it’s literally their fault. It’s not even kind of their fault. It’s completely their fault. The world is going to be destroyed and they’re the reason for it. Thanks… 

Wheeljack is awfully sure they’re going to die. Wheeljack sounded 100% sure that they were going to die headed into battle. That’s not the kind of confidence you want running into a fight to save the world. 

What are humans going to do against giant robots? Noah’s really at a severe disadvantage when it comes to fighting the Terrorcons. Because he’s a human, and they’re giant robots. And giant robots are a lot better at fighting than humans… 

G.I. Joe Teaser. I don’t think I’ve seen any of the G.I. Joe movies, but from what I’ve heard, they’re not very popular. Which is a shame, because I’ve always liked G.I. Joe, and I think it has the potential to make something good. But maybe they’re doing it wrong. Maybe they’re going about it the wrong way. Nobody has any good ideas anymore. Why not just try flat out stealing that? Why not make a show out of a cartoon? Then you could keep making new stories and not have to worry about the big productions.  

So, yeah. See Transformers: Rise of the Beasts if you want. It’s pretty unimpressive and more your “general action movie that they hired some writing student from a college writing course to make up the dialogue for”. And as always, keep on watching, with a smile on your face…