Vacation

Red = Spoilers 

What’s it about? Rusty Griswold is now working as an airline pilot for Econoair, a low-budget airline. He lives in suburban Chicago with Debbie and their two sons, James and Kevin. James, a shy, awkward teenager. And Kevin, a sadistic younger brother who constantly bullies his older brother. Russ and Debbie have their friends Jack and Nancy over for dinner one night and Russ is jealous of the relationship that Jack has with his son. Nancy shows Debbie her trip to Paris on her phone, making her long for a more exciting vacation than the same old trip to Cheboygan they take every year. The next morning, Rusty surprises his family with a road trip to Walley World just like his family did when he was young. For the trip, he rents an overly complicated Albanian SUV. Their next stop is Memphis University, where Debbie went to college and was known as “Debbie-Do-Anything”. To prove to the other sorority girls that she is who she says she is, she attempts to run an obstacle course, but fails, and pukes all over herself. That night, while staying at a motel, James meets Adena, a girl he saw on the highway. But she is scared off by Rusty who attempts to be James’ wingman. In Arkansas the family is in line to go to a hot spring when they ask a local if there is a shortcut. The local sends them into the woods, where the family ends up bathing in a raw sewage dump while the locals raid their car. The Griswold’s make their way to Plano, Texas to Rusty’s sister Audrey’s house. Audrey’s husband Stone continuously makes sexual advances at Debbie in front of Rusty, and then comes into their room later that evening in his underwear to show off his gigantic penis. The next night at a Wigwam Motel in Holbrook, Arizona, Rusty and Debbie sneak away to have sex at the Four Corners Monument and are set upon by a gaggle of other people who had the exact same idea. Four cops then show up, one from each state and have a Mexican stand-off, allowing Rusty and Debbie to slip away. The next morning Rusty takes them on a rafting tour and the tour guide gets dumped by his fiance right before they get on the boat, and the guide tries to kill the family while on the river. They make it back to the SUV where it then runs out of gas and Rusty’s unfamiliarity with the complicated button system causes the car to explode. Rusty then has a meltdown and walks away, not long after he begins getting chased by the trucker who’s been chasing them the entire movie. The trucker catches up to Rusty and it turns out he wasn’t chasing them, but trying to return Debbie’s wedding ring that she dropped back at a truck stop. The trucker then gives them a lift to San Francisco. They then spend the night at a bed and breakfast owned by Rusty’s parents, Clark and Ellen. Rusty and Debbie plan to fly back home the next day, but Clark encourages them to finish the trip to Walley World and gives them the station wagon from Rusty’s youth to do it. After spending four hours waiting in line, the Griswolds finally get to ride the roller coaster they’ve been waiting for when somebody cuts in front of them. A fight breaks out between the families and the Griswold’s win the seats on the roller coaster. Then, while riding it, the coaster gets stuck upside down in the middle of a loop and has to be rescued. Rusty then uses his connections as a pilot to get seats to Paris for him and Debbie. Unfortunately, they’re next to the bathroom for the entire flight. Before the credits roll, Debbie finds out it’s a 12-hour flight.  

What’s good? There are very few funny scenes in this movie. I laughed a couple of times. But all in all, this is just a horrible movie. I wouldn’t wish this movie on anybody. 

What’s bad? Everything. I mean, sure, there’s some giggles here and there. But most of the time you’re just going to be saying to yourself “when is this going to be over?” 

The acting? It’s as bad as something that you would expect something starring Ed Helms to be. You get what you pay for, you know? 

The effects? They’re pretty generic effects. Nothing out of the ordinary. The car exploded. They were probably riding actual four wheelers. How hard is that? 

The old man clearly has dementia. The old man clearly has dementia. Why is he flying that plane? Does nobody else see that crazy old man being crazy? 

I hate Ed Helms. I really do hate Ed Helms. I can’t stand him as an actor. I don’t know him as a person. I don’t know what he’s like in real life. But he’s an awful actor. And everything he’s ever done is just plain terrible. I don’t wish him any physical harm. But if he never made anything else, it wouldn’t be a bad thing… 

The older brother should just beat the shit out of the little kid. The older brother is twice the size of the little kid. He should just choke him or stand on his face or something. Isn’t that what older brothers are supposed to do? 

The nickname of “Debbie Do-Anything” stuck with her. What did she have to do to get the name “Debbie-Do-Anything”? I mean, “anything” can mean a whole lot of things… 

There’s a button that makes the bumper fall off. Why would there be a button that makes the bumper fall off? What possible use could that have? 

The GPS speaks Korean now. There’s no way to turn it back because you can’t decipher what the options are in Korean. And the little kid is right, the Korean language does sound really angry just, in general. 

Russ incorrectly tells James what a rimjob is. James asks Rusty what a rimjob is, and Rusty just guesses at it and tries to define it with no previous knowledge whatsoever, causing a rather awkward moment between James and Adena later on in the movie.  

The redneck didn’t know the rat was climbing on him. The redneck giving advice to Rusty and Debbie was completely unaware that there was a rat on his shoulder, which kind of makes you wonder what his daily hygiene routine is like to be able to miss something like that.  

The thieves drew a dick on the car for no reason. There was literally no reason to draw that dick on the side of the car. They just drew it on there out of malice and contempt as they robbed the Griswolds.  

Why does Stone keep mentioning faucets? Stone makes like five or six mentions of faucets in different metaphors while he’s talking. And they’re not all sexual metaphors, either. What’s the faucet connection? 

Why does Stone stand like that? Why does Stone stand cock-eyed like that? Is it to imply that his penis is larger than normal? That seems to be the case. 

What is that in Chris’s shorts? I don’t mean his penis, but for shooting the movie, what did they put in Chris Hemsworth’s shorts to make it look like he had a giant penis? It looked like one of those tubes you pull the ends off of and roll up paper messages to put into. 

He keeps lifting his leg up. He keeps lifting his leg up and standing with his hands on his hip so you can stare directly at his dick. He does it like three or four times. And then he coughs like “oh, excuse me…” That might be one of the few funny scenes in the movie.  

The tour guide’s fiancé dumps him right before they leave. Charlie Day’s fiance dumps him right before they all get in the boat to get in the river, and they all still get in the boat with him. I wouldn’t have gotten in the boat with him. He was clearly unstable. He tried to kill them all, obviously.  

Why is there a button that makes the car explode? Why is there even a button that makes the car explode? How could that ever be useful? Why would Albania make an SUV that does that? 

Clark still has the station wagon. Clark still has the station wagon from the original family trip in 1983? That’s over 30 years ago. He’s really been taking care of that thing.  

The line is four hours long. Who would stand in a line for four hours to ride a roller coaster? You could go watch a movie in the time it takes to do that. I would rather watch a movie, honestly.  

I knew something was going to happen on the roller coaster. I knew something was going to happen on the roller coaster. They weren’t going to go through all of that and then just have this anticlimactic happy ending. 

So, no. Don’t subject yourself to the torture that is Vacation. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, then go nuts. But if I were you, which I’m not, but if I were, I wouldn’t go see it. And as always, keep on watching, with a smile on your face…